Confessions (In no particular order):
Number 1: I hate absolutely everything I write.
Sharing what I write, especially when I pour my heart and soul into it, is literally the most terrifying thought in the entire world. I write books, novels, and short stories and every single time I’m finished writing one, I’m positive that I’ve just wasted six months on garbage. It’s so fun.
Number 2: I’m legitimately insane.
I think this worries my mother more than it worries me. I wouldn’t say that the voices in my mind are distinct voices, rather they are background chatterings of characters of developing stories. Which brings us to number three-
Number 3: I have imaginary friends
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had imaginary friends, even before I wanted to be a writer. My parents were always very nurturing to my imagination. Filling our home with books, love, and games; I think that it was impossible to not have imaginary friends. Also, I was (and still am) way too weird to have very many real life friends. Sometimes the best way to get out of my writer’s block is to just sit and talk to my characters (who are more real than a sane person could ever understand) for hours until the block is unstuck. It feels strange at first, but, like I said, that’s just who I am. Strange.
Number 4: Writers block is worse than death and happens about… mmm…all the freakin time.
Over the years I’ve found many secrets to overcome writer’s block. One of them I’ve already unveiled to you. But it’s agonizing. Especially when you’ve got the story on the tip of your tongue. It’s like when you can’t think of a word to describe what you’re thinking while having a conversation with a friend, multiplied by a zillion.
Number 5: I delete most of what I write.
Again, most of what I write is usually garbage, and for the most part, I write a block of words one day, and the next day, I come back and delete a good portion of it and call it “editing”. It took me a long time to change my mindset from “I am crap” to “this is crap”. There is nothing wrong with not liking what you write, because that leads you to creating bigger and better things.
Number 6: I never get a break. EVER!
Sometimes writing can become overwhelming and I force myself to take a break from it. I’m going to tell you something. I have no idea if it’s true for every writer, but it’s true for me. It’s slightly disturbing, but a true story. When I’m not writing, my hands and head aches terribly. Not only that, but it’s like I’m in a steel cage floating on a river of molten lava, if I make the slightest mistake, I will tip over and surely burn to death. But when I’m writing and I’m in the belly of the beast, I have a sort of pleasurable anxiety. (I use the word pleasurable loosely. I can’t think of a better word, but it’s anything but pleasure inducing)
Number 7: Doubt is part of the business.
I. Doubt. Every. Single. Word. I. Write.
Number 8: Weird, and only a little self conscious about it.
I get strange looks from people constantly. Especially when I tell them that I’m a writer. Almost as if they doubt it’s a real profession. Almost as if they doubt my ability to slap them coldly. Just a tip, don’t tell a writer that it’s easy to write or that you write all the time, when you only occasionally pick up the pen, or wrote about a fantasy world when you were still in grade school just for fun. Everybody does that. I shouldn’t be so easily offended by this, but I am. “Oh, you’re a writer? I’m going to write when I retire, when I have time to be lazy.” “Oh, you’re a writer? Can I be a character in your book?” “Oh, you’re a writer? Do you have any plans for a real job?” Being a writer takes work! GOSH, DARNIT!
Number 9: I tend to be overly dramatic for the sake of my profession.
I over accentuate every emotion that I have so that I can relate to characters that go through more traumatic things than I do. I take my own life, and contort it in such a way that it’s barely recognizable, then cram it into a story that hopefully makes sense to someone. Being me is sort of like being a teenage girl on steroids. It makes living with me super fun. Love you mom.
Number 10: I’m a master procrastinator.
I would like to add a space in that pie chart. I get a lot of my ideas while eating, and I cannot eat while sitting still. I pace back and forth, bowl of whatever I’m eating in hand, listening to music, and thinking about what I’m writing. Then, I’ll sit at my computer, expecting to translate what I’ve been thinking about onto the screen, but then I get distracted by Youtube and what Brendon Urie and Tyler Joseph are up to. Then, after three hours of that, I write 3,000 words somehow, then go to bed, don’t sleep, wake up, and repeat the process. My life is the bomb. No joke.
Number 11: I do crazy amounts of research. Especially on things that don’t matter or will never be used anyways.
I am now committed to marrying someone who is ridiculously smart because I’m tired of asking the internet questions that even the internet is like “Where the heck did that come from?” Instead, I can just ask my spouse and maybe he’ll know, that way, I don’t have to run to google like an idiot.
Number 12: I get so lost, that I can’t determine any longer the coordinates of how to get back to how it was in the beginning where it was… where was I?
I get so lost, sometimes my fingers just type away, while my mind just wanders someplace else, I don’t know where to. Then I look back at the screen and realize that I’ve just written gibberish. Or, I finish a book, and only then realize what the moral of the story is. For instance, I finished a book a few years ago and thought it was about eternal love the entire time. Nope. It was about the fact that sometimes you can’t tell the difference between being sick and being in love. If that makes any sense.
Number 13: I can make anything I want, sucker.
I feel like I’ve been focusing on the negative only. Have you any idea what it’s like to create an entire world to call your own? To do whatever you want, vicariously through anyone you want? I can be sitting in church, pretending to be listening to other people, but I’m actually thinking about whether Alice decides to take her mother’s position as the… nevermind, I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you. I know how to describe anything and make it feel real. It’s awesome and I love doing it. It’s worth the sleepless nights. Even if I’m the only one that sees it right now, I wouldn’t give up writing for anything. Just the same as I wouldn’t give up an internal organ. I might give up a limb, but not my heart, or mind.