I’m only writing this because I’m tired of people in my life saying “Oh, you’ll love having children. They’ll make you’re life soooooo much brighter. You’ll see,” or , “You’ll make an excellent mother. I’ve seen how well you are around children, being a mom is just a bigger step of that!” And don’t throw back at me that I’m just afraid to lose my body because I’m not. Also, serious respect to all moms in the universe.
Don’t get me wrong, one day I’m still going to be the best aunt that ever lived, but having my own kids, well, that’s a different story.
Reason number 1) One day, that cute little baby is going to speak and that mouth might be like mine.
I think sometimes I like to start arguments just to start them. Especially with my parents. Especially with people who tell me what to do. And I never listen to anything anyone says, ever. Once, when my parents told me not to mess with an avocado pit that they just left out and I thought hey, maybe I could slice it in half with a knife and I ended up slicing right between my fingers making it bleed all over the place. But I was so afraid that I would get in trouble, that I waited for two hours before I told anyone about it. If my kids are going to as stupid as me, then I have no idea how I’ll have the energy for that.
Reason number 2) If my kids like Justin Bieber, I don’t know if I’ll love them anymore and I don’t want to chance that.
I’m not sure why I don’t like Justin Bieber. I think it has something to do with when I was in school and 50% of the 11 year old girls claimed to be his baby mama. No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to like his music. If my kids like something that I dislike so profusely, then I don’t know if we can be on speaking terms.
Reason number 3) Germs.
I think if a person ever threw up on me, I would just announce my eventual death and wait to die. I don’t think I could handle having a little person “burp up” on me. Or changing diapers. Just thinking about doing that daily makes me nauseated.
Reason number 4) I’m a forgetful person.
I wouldn’t actually forget my kids, would I? Yes, I would, actually. I’d forget about my own nose if it wasn’t glued to my face. So yes, yes I would leave my kids at the gas station. I would leave them at home, go to France, and leave him to defend the house with booby traps.
Reason number 5) My life experience is limited.
I can’t offer very much advice to kids. Unless they want to be a writer. I’ve lived a pretty boring life. That’s why I’m a writer, because I need to create my own fun. Literally.
Reason number 6) I gravitate to other artists.
The truest loves of my life were artists. The bestest friends of my life were artists. Me being a writer and the 85% chance that my future significant other being another artist, makes any possible future children that I might have, children of artistic parents. I’m not sure if that’s a bad or a good thing.
Reason number 7) I am, and forever will be, a child at heart.
Honestly, I don’t think that I’d make a terrible mother. Just an irresponsible one. Which is why I’d make a fun aunt. But I don’t know if my siblings will really want me to watch their kids very often. Not after ice cream dinner every night.