Little ol’ me (part 1)


Today, my mom was going through taxes and other adult stuff when she found a piece of paper with my footprints on them. It wasn’t my birth certificate. I’m not sure what it’s called, but it has all this information on it like how big I was. 7lbs 15ozs. Is that large for a baby? I’m not a baby expert. But I was inspired to tell the world about my life. At least, how it started.



I was born in the 90’s, a magical time, to a mom and a dad. I can’t remember much from before I was born, so I can’t write much about that. All I can say is that my arrival was greatly anticipated. Even though my mom got so sick that she needed to have exploratory surgery while she was pregnant. I bet that was fun. You know how Bella had that vampire baby that slowly starved her to death and eventually killed her? Yeah, that was us. Basically. But, with ten fingers and ten toes, I was born and my mom survived to tell the tale as a beautiful vampire.

Film me.png


After bringing me home from the hospital, my parents grabbed the camcorder and recorded every breath I ever took so that my grandparents in Minnesota could see their grandchild in a way. It would’ve saved my parents a lot time and money if they just had skype. But on the bright side,  now we have lots of footage of me growing up.



But I was put in a somewhat unique situation. My mom wanted nothing more than to be a mother. That was her dream. When I came along, I was her everything and I knew it. And my father was in the navy and he would be gone for periods of time, leaving me to my adoring mother, and then he would come back and I would be in the arms of the father that missed his little baby. And for a whole year, I was liven’ da life.


Because I was so great, my parents had another kid. (let’s call her snow white) Snow white was born exactly two days before my first birthday. Technically, that makes us Irish twins, but my dad said that was racist, so I just call her my actual twin. People say we look a lot alike anyways. I don’t see it. But she was born with dark ringlets and long eyelashes and just looked perfect. And I was bald until I was three.


Snow white was very sweet and… well, she was a baby. What more can I say? That didn’t stop me from being jealous of a baby while still being a baby. And don’t start thinking that I don’t know, because I have video proof of me being the villain. Snow used to crawl backwards before she crawled forwards and to encourage her to crawl in the right direction my parents would place a toy in front of her. With all her effort, she would do it and my parents would be really proud. Then, at the last second, I would swoop in and move the toy farther so she would have to work harder. Snow would start crying. My parents would get upset at me. Then I would start crying. It was crazy. At least, compared to how it was before.

Throw away.png

But I also loved helping out with the baby and being the one-year-old big sister and doing big sister duties. After my mom was done changing Snow’s diaper, I had the job of disposing it in the trash after which I would receive praise because I was a “good big sister”.  But I didn’t see the difference between diapers and car keys and remotes and basically whatever I could get my hands on. I was throwing things away just to get praise.

Then, out of no where, I suddenly had beautiful hair like my sister, only I had blondish-brownish hair. And I had the bright idea to give my cabbage patch a hair cut over the bathroom sink. Then I thought, hey, why not me? A little here, a little there. I got in trouble and this is the aftermath.


More years passed and Snow and I still were sisters. We didn’t hate each other. We didn’t get along. I guess we still loved each other. My young childhood was still pretty amazing. I guess. But then my mom was pregnant again and had a baby when I was 3 3/4.  And her name was… Goldilocks! She was beautiful and the very first vivid memory I have ever had is of me seeing her in the hospital after she was born and a woman standing over me and continually telling me to look at her toes. I just remember wanting to be left alone and for the hospital smells and noises to be gone. I was going to treat this sister right. Not like the last one. First ones are always throw aways.



To be continued…


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